NFL is down bad trying to prove that DK Metcalf is indeed human

The NFL wants to know if Seattle Seahawks wide receiver DK Metcalf is indeed human after all.

If DK Metcalf is indeed a cyborg, does that mean it is appropriate to pay his entire Seattle Seahawks contract in the form of cryptocurrency?

Given that he already looks like a Greek god among mortals, people have wondered for a while how Metcalf looks so fricking jacked all the time. He is a professional athlete after all. However, no amount of kale pajamas, avocado ice cream or nightshade avoidance could ever hope to explain the unexplainable. It is why the perplexed NFL is randomly drug testing the Seahawks’ superstar.

Instead of figuring out why its playing surfaces are bad and its referees are even worse, the NFL wants to see if Metcalf can fill up a cup with something other than plutonium on Presidents’ Day.

Do you think a human being can do this?

What about this?

We should accept the cyborgs are among us, but we can only hope they are as nice as Metcalf.

Shockingly, the daft NFL tries to punk DK Metcalf to see if he is human after all

Not gonna lie. This comes as quite a shock. I believe we have a shot to keep the cyborgs at bay. No widget, gizmo or newfangled contraption is going to tell me and my family what to do! Like Russell Wilson’s playing career, my attention span is shot. Like the Denver Broncos over the last seven years, my posture has seen better days. I am as connected to my phone as y’all are to John Elway.

But when I see the NFL seriously doubt if Metcalf is human after all one more time, we’re gonna celebrate, oh yeah, alright, don’t stop the dancing! While I can’t really say I had the attention span to find out what happened to Sarah and John Connor, we did have a cyborg govern our most populous state and we turned out okay, I suppose. So we have hope, just like Seattle has with DK.

Truth be told, the NFL continues to do a terrible job of convincing us that its product is not indeed scripted. You could just tell that Metcalf’s NFL Street shenanigans and Salt Lake City heroics were going to result in a random text message the following morning. With an ill-timed buzz, even you can humble a Greek god. Hercules is so walking among us, but that man has feelings. He is human.

I would have paid $8,000 to see a Seahawks receiver jump 10 feet in the air if not for damn FTX…