All the Other Barbies We Would Put in the <i>Barbie</i> Movie

April 7, 2023 ndowd

This morning, Warner Bros. shared new posters for Greta Gerwig’s Barbie movie, revealing the most detail so far about the characters in the highly anticipated film. Prior to today, most roles remained under wraps, even as casting announcements were made. But while the plot remains a mystery, the characters give us a bit more insight on where the film could go.

It turns out there will be multiple Barbies and Kens joining Margot Robbie and Ryan Gosling, creating a diverse range of doll archetypes. But while all the Kens (including Ncuti Gatwa and Simu Liu) are just referred to as Ken, the Barbies have different job titles and defining characteristics. “This Barbie is a doctor,” reads the poster for Hari Nef. “This Barbie has a Nobel Prize in physics,” says the one for Emma Mackey. They range from president (Issa Rae) to Pulitzer winner (Ritu Arya) to the Barbie that’s always in splits on the floor with crayon all over her face (Kate McKinnon).

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They’re all rather impressive, exuding Girlboss energy in their pastels and glitter. A celebrated author? A Supreme Court justice? Dang. Even Dua Lipa’s mermaid Barbie has an accomplished air about her. While we’re excited to see what Gerwig does with these high-achieving Barbies, we’d also like to suggest some painfully relatable, deeply specific, or downright flawed Barbies to throw in the mix, just to add to the chaos. Like one that has 64 tabs simultaneously open on her laptop, or one that texted her ex back when she was drunk.

In the same way that we need an American Girl Doll for every era, perhaps there’s a Barbie for every situation too, for better or worse. Greta Gerwig, if you want to make a 50-hour director’s cut of the film, here are some other Barbie ideas we came up with:

This Barbie is an empath.

This Barbie lives with four roommates in Bushwick.

This Barbie paid for Twitter Blue.

This Barbie is hiding flat shoes for the subway in her ludicrously capacious bag.

This Barbie spent half her net worth on Eras Tour tickets.

This Barbie will ask you when and where you were born and calculate your astrological Big Three on the first date.

This Barbie begins all her emails with “sorry for the delay!”

This Barbie ends all her emails with “no worries if not!”

This Barbie has not answered your texts but has watched all your Stories.

This Barbie is dating someone with a podcast.

This Barbie is 10 minutes late to the meeting with an iced coffee.

This Barbie sent Venmo requests to all the bridesmaids to pay for the bachelorette party.

This Barbie doesn’t know what buccal fat removal is.

This Barbie did Chloe Ting workouts during Covid lockdown in 2020.

This Barbie does not allow outside clothes on her bed.

This Barbie uses ChatGPT on dating apps.

This Barbie has a Sally Rooney book in her New Yorker tote bag.

This Barbie is willing to pay extra for oat milk.

This Barbie dated Timothée Chalamet at NYU—and she has stories.

This Barbie sold her cryptocurrency at a suspiciously good time.

This Barbie is emotionally unavailable.

This Barbie has IBS.

This Barbie is kind of turned on by Michael Barbaro’s voice.

This Barbie is monetizing her Substack.

This Barbie is unionizing her workplace.

This Barbie makes viral fancams of Pedro Pascal.

This Barbie is mainlining Ozempic.

This Barbie refuses to lose half a day of skiing. (Gwyneth, the role is yours.)

This Barbie replaced Beanie Feldstein in Funny Girl.

This Barbie has a standing reservation at Bonnie’s.

This Barbie is a nepo baby.

This Barbie has been cast in Christopher Nolan’s Oppenheimer.

This Barbie got nosebleed tickets to the Renaissance World Tour.

This Barbie used to be a member of The Wing.

This Barbie had a sexual awakening to the horse from Spirit or Lola Bunny from Space Jam.

This Barbie went to vacation Bible school.

This Barbie was a “gifted student.”

This Barbie was in her high school’s production of Oklahoma!

This Barbie lost her luggage on a Southwest flight.

This Barbie had tickets to Fyre Festival in 2017.

This Barbie is auditioning to be a Peloton instructor.

This Barbie sends anon tips to DeuxMoi.

This Barbie is socially liberal but fiscally conservative.

This Barbie insists she didn’t actually go inside the Capitol.

This Barbie has no interest in the Metaverse.

This Barbie hired Esther Perel to save her marriage.

This Barbie will leave you on read.

Barbie opens in theaters July 21.

Erica Gonzales is the Senior Culture Editor at ELLE.com, where she oversees coverage on TV, movies, music, books, and more. She was previously an editor at HarpersBAZAAR.com. There is a 75 percent chance she’s listening to Lorde right now.