Seahawks fans have hilarious conspiracies for NFL Draft strategy

Seattle Seahawks general manager John Schneider doesn’t want no scrubs in the NFL Draft.

Who doesn’t love a good conspiracy involving John Schneider and the Seattle Seahawks’ NFL Draft plans?

As long as it incorporates a Toyota Prius, a poodle, a bottle of mustard and talk radio on full blast, I think that will satisfy us. Not to say Schneider has become a greater scaffolding enthusiast than Klay Thompson, but Seattle is up to something. By quoting Will Ferrell’s character Allen Gamble when talking about his on-screen wife Sheila, played by Eva Mendes, you have our attention now.

“Look, they’re not all first-round picks, okay?”

For the Terry Hoitzes of the world, you better believe Schneider is pulling your chain … or is he???

Seattle Seahawks GM John Schneider quotes The Other Guys in NFL Draft plans

For all the 12s out there in the world living and dying by Schneider’s every word, these are without question, the most plausible developments from this cryptic message inspired by The Other Guys.

1. Gator don’t play no s**t, so Anthony Richardson at No. 5?
2. Aim for the bushes, because it’s going to be a long draft weekend for y’all.
3. Anything Schneider says can be used as a flotation device.
4. Can be bribe for the No. 5 pick with MSG court-side seats, Jersey Boys tix or cucumber water.
5. Derek Jeter or another Yankee is getting shot.
6. The Seahawks will be chasing waterfalls, even though Cap’n Gene told them not to.
7. The new bathmats are in at the Seahawks team facility, and it is the only thing that matters!
8. They’re going to let the peacock fly.
9. They’re going to take a Gamble like Allen did to find his Sheila.
10. There will be a gross encounter with Dirty Mike and The Boys over the phone on draft night.
11. Are you ready for a desk pop?
12. No comment, but yes!

In the lead-up to the 2023 NFL Draft, we all should remember Cap’n Gene’s Be Smart speech. Otherwise, he’s going to give you a wooden pistol for your troubles. You can explore who you are at NYU, but that’s going to have to be on your dime. I mean, he was Batman, and Beetlejuice, and Birdman, underwear and all! In a few days, Schneider will say those magical words: It’s showtime!

The best part in all this is it is so incredibly Seattle to be shrouded in secrecy. The Seahawks are tucked away in the Pacific Northwest, isolated from the rest of the 31 NFL franchises. In that rain-soaked isolation, Seattle created Microsoft, Nirvana and Starbucks. The world has never been the same since. The same thing applies to watching The Other Guys. It changed me, did it change you?

Overall, all I really want is for either Ferrell, Mendes, Michael Keaton or Mark Wahlberg to announce one of their day-two picks in Kansas City. If Wayne Newton can do more for Mississippi at the podium than Lane Kiffin ever could, shoot your shot, Other Guys. So long as it is not at Jeets. He is a captain, founded one of our company’s brands and taught us all about white-collar crime.

May the Seahawks blast some Little River Band the entire time inside of the majestic war room.