What happens if Alabama makes the Bottom 10?

Inspirational thought of the week:

Do you know who I am?
Have you any idea who I am?
Do you know how I tried?
Have you any idea how I tried?

You will know who I am
When that time comes, you’ll know who I am
And you will know who I am

— “Do You Know Who I Am?” Elvis Presley

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located backstage at the Chuckle Hut in Athens, Georgia, waiting for the premiere of Matt Stinchcomb’s one-man impersonation show “Steve Spurrier On Steve Spurrier,” we, like the Head Ball Coach, appreciate those who, like the Head Ball Coach, are very self aware. They know exactly who they are, and they want us to know that they know exactly who they are.

Here in the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, there is rarely much wanting for such cognizance. Our people know exactly who they are, and they become very angry when they believe that the rest of us are not fully on board with their overboard self-perception. As in throwing themselves overboard already, after only two full weeks of football games have been played.

In the B10CU, we call that #Bottom10Lobbying.

@ESPNMcGee If Nevada isn’t ranked #1 in the next version of the Bottom 10 then the rankings are illegitimate.

— Frank (@mugtang) September 10, 2023

Hey Ryan if you haven’t already done so, please give BC strong consideration for Bottom 10. Lost to G5 team Week 1 & barely survived vs 1AA former rival yesterday. Oh yeah & the G5 team that beat them Week 1 lost to 1AA team yesterday.

— BurkieInBoston (@BurkieInBoston) September 10, 2023

In giving our advice to those working so hard to convince us of their worthy unworthiness, we channel a young Obi-Wan Kenobi, speaking to his breathless padawan Anakin Skywalker outside of a Coruscant night club as they chase a bad guy. “Patience … think …” Your time will come if it hasn’t already. Trust us. Then, as you wait, we recall Obi-Wan’s next act. To get a drink.

With apologies to Ewan McGregor, Patrick King and Steve Harvey, here’s the Post-Week 2 Bottom 10.

1. Arkansaw State Fightin’ Butches (0-2)

The bad news? The Red Wolves lost 37-3 to Memphis. The good news? That’s literally not half as bad as Week 1, when they lost to Oklahoma 73-0. I’m no mathematician, but at this rate of reduction they are close to completely neutralizing and thus should spend Week 3 going into endless OTs with Stony Brook.

2. No-vada (0-2)

Well, @mugtang, the Wolf Pack didn’t land in the top bottom spot, but after falling to My Own Private Idaho 33-6, they did jump from the Waiting List into the next-to-the-top bottom spot. Now they host Kansas, which not so long would have been a slam-dunk Pillow Fight of the Week candidate, but then the Jayhawks decided to get all highfalutin and start winning football games.

3. Buffalo Bulls Not Bills (0-2)

An opening loss to Wisconsin on the road, that’s not bad. But a loss at home to FCS Fordham in which the Rams quarterback throws five touchdown passes, that’s very bad. Fordham had already lost this season to the Albany Great Danes, who lost to Marshall and Hawai’i and were picked 11th in the 15-team Colonial Athletic Association’s preseason poll. Heads up, Arkansas State, Stony Brook was picked 14th.

4. #Kentergy (0-2)

There are only 15 0-2 teams, and three reside within the rusty octagon that is #MACtion, including Buffalo and the State of Kent. In case you were wondering — and we were — the Golden Flashes and Bulls are slated for a Week 8 throwdown at Kent. And in case you were wondering — and we most definitely were — Kent faces that other 0-2 MAC team, Baller State, in its next-to-last game Nov. 18. But considering Ball State has concluded its SEC East Invitational (Kentucky and Georgia, combined score 89-17), it shouldn’t be 0-and-whatever for long.

5. Around the bowl and down the hole, Roll Tide Roll (1-1)

I’ve been writing these rankings for a decade now and during that time pretty much every single college football power broker has landed in the Coveted Fifth Spot. From Ohio State and Michigan to Georgia and USC. Heck, Clemson was here just last week! I have put everyone here except Alabama — until now. Honestly, I didn’t think the Tide’s loss to Texas was an indicator that Bama is bad as much as it was the Horns are pretty good. Also honestly, I just want to see what happens now that I’ve finally done this. Will the earth break from its axis? Will someone throw a bottle of white Alabama barbecue sauce at me the next time I’m in Birmingham-Shuttlesworth International Airport? Will Nick Saban have my SEC Network TV show canceled? Oh … wait. Is it too late for me to take this back? Is this how Paul Finebaum feels all the time?

6. No-Braska (0-2)

On one hand, the Huskers have suffered two losses. On the other hand, those losses were both on the road and one of those trips was to Colorado, which is led by the greatest coach in the history of college football. The problem is that after eight turnovers in two games, while switching the ball from that one metaphorical hand to the other, Nebraska totally fumbled it away.

7. UTEPid (1-2)

The Minors opened the season by rewarding Jacksonville State (which is not in the Jacksonville you’re thinking of, nor is it a state) with its first-ever FBS victory. Then they had to immaculately conceive two come-from-behind efforts to defeat Incarnate Word. Then they lost 38-7 to defending Bottom 10 champions North by Northworstern, which earned its first win on U.S. soil since October 2021 and on any soil since Aug. 27, 2022.

8. Whew Mexico State (1-2)

We have received much #Bottom10Lobbying from both sides of this weekend’s Rio Grande Rivalry/Battle of I-25 between Whew Mexico State and Just Whew Mexico. Both fan bases have made great fan cases. However, the reality is that the loser of Saturday’s 113th meeting between Lobo Louie and Pistol Pete will suffer the Pillow Fight of the Week consequences and wind somewhere near the top bottom of these rankings one week from now. They will also suffer more than most Pillow Fight of the Week losers because I’m pretty sure that in the Land of Enchantment, they fill their pillows with beehive cacti.

9. UMess (1-2)

In case you were wondering why Whew Mexico State earned the edge over Just Whew Mexico for now, it’s because the Other Aggies lost their edge on Week 0, when they fell to these guys. But the Minutemen have lost twice since that victory, falling to Bottom 10 Waiting Lister My Hammy of Ohio over the weekend. After another dose of #MACtion against the Eastern Michigan University Fightin’ Emus this weekend, UMess will host Whew Mexico AND Arkansaw State in back-to-back weekends. And yes, you can expect me to spend my weekly Monday visit with Rece Davis and Pete Thamel on the “College GameDay” podcast shamelessly lobbying them to do their little Saturday morning TV show in Amherst.

10. Sam Houston State, we have a problem (0-2)

The Bearkats krashed into the FBS football kommunity with konsistency on defense, keeping BYU and Air Force klamped down to only 27 points kombined. But the Bearkats kan’t kome up with a kounterattack, kultivating an inkonceivable 3 points skored.

Waiting List: The 12th Man, San No-sé State, Just Whew Mexico, North by Northworstern, EC-Yew, North Texas Lean Green, Bahstun Cawledge, U-Can’t, Baller State, the Colorado team that doesn’t have Deion as coach, Texas Wreck, overly dramatic post-NCAA ruling hyperbole.