You don't need a Cristobal to know Miami is making the Bottom 10
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Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer
Inspirational thought of the week:
Tommy’s got his six string in hock,
Now he’s holding in, when he used to make it talk so tough
Oooh, it’s tough
Gina dreams of running away
When she cries in the night, Tommy whispers “Baby, it’s okay, someday…”
We’ve gotta hold on to what we’ve got
It doesn’t make a difference if we make it or not
We’ve got each other and that’s a lot for love
We’ll give it a shot
Whoa, we’re halfway there
Whoa oh, livin’ on a prayer
— “Livin’ on a Prayer” Bon Jovi
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the back of the 18-wheeler Jess Sims used to secretly smuggle a ton of deep fried honey butter brisket swirls home from the State Fair of Texas, we, like you, can’t believe that college football is approaching the halfway point of the 2023 season.
For those high and mighty, hoity toity, big-dollar members of the top 25, that means it is time to begin focusing on where they might fit into the national championship picture. For the next tier, the B-listers, it’s about setting a win total goal that will land an invitation to a bowl game, any bowl game, even a bowl game sponsored by a website that sounds a little sketchy but no one cares as long as it means they get to play another football game.
And then there are our people. The poor but proud ranks of the Bottom 10. Around here, being halfway there means living with so many prayers, from trying to figure out how to stick a door jam into the transfer portal entrance to making sure there’s enough detergent pods left in the box to keep the uniforms clean for the next six weekends. Only to realize that someone tried to use the detergent pods as a door jam and now everyone’s piled up on the locker room floor, their cleats way too Slippery When Wet.
With apologies to Tommy, Gina, John Francis Bongiovi and Steve Harvey, here’s the Post-Week 6 Bottom 10.
1. No-vada (0-5)
The good news? The Wolf Pack had a much needed bye weekend. The bad news? They still failed to cover the six-point spread against the Fightin’ Byes of Open Date U.
2. Sam Houston State We Have Problem (0-5)
The Bearkats kan’t katch a break. After kollapsing in OT against fellow FBS newbie Jacksonville State, the Kats kaught unkonquered Liberty, who kame back from a halftime khasm to klinch kontrol of the kontest.
3. Akronmonious (1-5)
Over in #MACtion Land, the round-robin tournament of one-win teams began in Ernest, as Akron was drubbed 55-14 by then one-win Northern Ill-ugh-noise. And we do mean Ernest, not earnest, as in an old 1980’s VHS movie you might find in your parents’ attic, Ernest Goes To Akron. “Hey, Vern, they make tires here. I wonder if they are tired of losing? Know what I mean?”
4. UMess (1-6)
Speaking of #MACtion, the Minuetmen returned to the league they once roamed, only to be scorched by the Rockets of Toledo 41-24. Now it’s on to Happy Valley where the mysteriously and mystically accurate ESPN FPI computers say that UMass has a 1% chance of beating Penn State, proving there may yet be hope for us in the looming battle against AI for control of our planet. Even the cold, heartless computers looked at this matchup and were like (read this in your best WarGames digitized Joshua voice), “Let us not be too mean. We award them a pity point.”
5. The Yew (4-1)
Putting Miami in the Coveted Fifth Spot this week was the easiest, most obvious decision that could have possibly been made in this situation. You know, like taking a knee to run out the clock with 35 seconds remaining.
6. Stanfird (1-5)
Shoutout to Week 2, when we all saw the Cardinal’s 56-10 loss to USC and thought that was exactly how that was supposed to go, but now we realize no matter how bad you might be, you are still totally expected to score at will against the Trojans and make them sweat it out until the final moments when Caleb Williams has to pause shooting TV commercials and once again save the day.
7. Charlotte 1-and-4’ers (1-4)
The Niners didn’t play a game in Week 6 and there are those throughout the American Athletic Conference of American Athletics, as well as those throughout my homeland of North Carolina, who argue this spot should belong to another one-win AAC Carolinas-based team, the EC-Yew Pirates. My response is two-fold. First, this will sort itself out in two weeks when ECU hosts Charlotte. Second, if you think about it, both teams are actually represented here because Charlotte coach Biff Poggi is from Baltimore, which was once referred to as “a nest of pirates” and the way he walks around with the sleeves ripped off his shirts, he totally looks like he could be Jack Sparrow’s first mate. The former hedge fund hero even has a chest full of gold.
8. The Pitt and the Pendulum (1-4)
Just two years ago, Pitt was in the ACC championship game with Kenny Pickett behind center. Now, according to anonymous sources reporting to Bottom 10 JortsCenter, Panthers coach Pat Narduzzi was caught on Acrisure Stadium security cameras trying to drag Pickett’s stuff down the hall from the Steelers locker room back into Pitt’s.
9. Southern Missed (1-5)
This spot came down between the Golden Eagles and their neighbors to the north, Muddled Tennessee. We’d love to tell you we sifted through mountains of data points to finally land on USM instead of MTSU, but honestly, it came down to the fact that as we were writing this Tuesday evening MTSU had a game, and we were way too lazy to wait until that was over. Also, Brett Favre said he would build us a new arena.
10. San No-sé State (1-5)
The Spartans Not Trojans led Boise State 27-7 late in the first half and entered the fourth quarter with a six-point advantage before becoming mesmerized by the blue turf and losing 35-27. That means these rankings are bookended by Mountain West teams that are currently not scheduled to play each other. So we are already working with ESPN Events to plan a postseason contest titled the No-vada vs. San No-sé State No Bowl, sponsored by NoDoz, No Name foods, James Bond’s “Dr. No” and my old college girlfriend.
Waiting List: U-Can’t, Muddled Tennessee, UTEPid, State of Kent, Baller State, Rod Tidwell’s alma mater, Thrawn.
