Bottom 10: Nothing beats a North Carolina fall

Inspirational thought of the week:

The time has come again, season of wind and rain,
I walk along the lonely road near my childhood abode.
It’s time to say farewell, no more stories to tell.
Time of season when leaves are dying, walking alone along an autumn road crying.
The air has to change to cold. Nothing’s forever.

— “October Rust” Tears of Magdalena

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in a mechanical room just off the factory floor where Marty Smith’s schmedium suits are made by a bunch of Virginians running their sewing machines to the beat of Eric Church tunes on a hi-fi system, we are staring into the end of October. That perilous time of year when you stare out the window, faced with having to ask yourself two simultaneous questions.

Do I keep staring at these leaves so I don’t miss the fall color because the moment I turn away might be the very moment that leaf changes color or dries up and falls off completely?

And …

Do I keep staring at these leaves so I don’t miss the fall colors or should I stop obsessing and leaf, er, leave, because I’ve been sitting here for a month and I haven’t paid my bills or eaten or gone to the bathroom since October started?

That’s totally us right now. With #MACtion and the #FunBelt playing seemingly every night of the week and #Pac12AfterDark and #MountainWildWildWestiness (I made that last one up) extending into Sunday morning and all of those leagues playing a crucial role in the Bottom 10 with only a month left to play, we “Have to remember, dammit, that college football isn’t the only thing in the world, especially bad college football!”

Wait … where have we heard that before? And why was it in quotes? Oh yeah, it’s the last sentence our families shouted before angrily driving away with all of their belongings and my wallet. At least I think that’s what they said. I wasn’t listening. It was last Wednesday night and FI(not A)U and Sam Houston had just entered their second OT.

With apologies to Ryan Leaf, Arizona State DB Adama Fall, Richmond Spiders wide receivers coach Winston October and Steve Harvey, here’s the Week 9 Bottom 10.

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1. Sam Houston, We Have A Problem (0-7)

How kan this team klimb into this klassification in our komputations despite the cirkumstance of not kompeting in a Week 9 kontest? Bekause the Bearkats kan also now exklusively klaim the kognomen of Amerika’s unakkompanied winless kollege football klub.

2. Akronmonious (1-7)

Nature is truly amazing, isn’t it? Especially when the universe seems to magically weave its timelines together at precisely the perfect time. Like strangers seated next to each other on a plane who fall in love. Or scientists experiencing just the right conditions that allow them to make a crucial discovery. Or a bye week dropping onto the college football calendar right before the Pillow Fight of the Week. See: The Zips losing to Boiling Green 41-14 just before a weekend off to prep for a post-Halloween November 1 visit from …

3. State of Kent (1-7)

… these guys, who just lost to the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills 24-6 and also have a bye week to prepare. According to the mystically and creepily accurate FPI computers, the Golden Flashes are the underdogs in the PFOW, with a 45.1% chance to win. This number was produced only after kicking the side of the machine, slapping the screen and screaming, “FPI COMPUTER, WHY WON’T YOU DO THIS?!” before realizing it had been unplugged so we could use that outlet to charge a Jitterbug phone and a nose hair trimmer.

4. UMess (1-7)

And then there are off weekends like the one just enjoyed by UMess, which needed to recover from a 63-0 loss to Penn State, spent sitting on the living room floor counting the $1.6 million it received for playing Penn State with the TV on and watching Penn State gain 49 yards’ rushing against Ohio State and thinking, “How did we lose to these guys 63-0?”

5. UNC Tar Holes (6-1)

As a native North Carolinian, I have spent a lifetime enjoying the unique traditions of the Old North State. Like perfectly smoked whole hog barbecue, shag dancing to Carolina beach music, historic and mysterious tales of the Lost Colony and the Mecklenburg Declaration of Independence … and a talent-packed UNC football team tripping over its own cleats midseason to set up yet another conference-title-free season. That’s been the norm on Franklin Street since the Carter Administration. Jimmy, not Vince. The good news is the Heels have plenty of Bottom 10 North Carolina in-state company …

6. EC-Yew (1-6)

The Pirates lost the Pillow Fight of Week 8 thanks largely to the fact they had only 39 yards more rushing than I did on Saturday. It must be noted they also had 19 rushing attempts to my zero.

7. Charlotte 2-and-5ers (2-5)

The winners of that game against ECU were this team. But one does not win the Pillow Fight of the Week and then expect to be moved out of these rankings based on style points. They scored no style points. Hell, they only scored 10 actual points.

8. Temple of Doom (2-6)

TU of the AAC lost to SMU. SMU is also of the AAC but will be in the ACC ASAP. After losing 55-0, TU is saying of SMU, OMG NVM hope U leave 4ACC PDQ.

9. Southern Missed (1-6)

The Golden Eagles lost to the South Alabama Redundancies 55-0, the worst-ever conference defeat for a Southern Miss football team. Making matters worse, Brett Favre stole their per diem money and used it to buy himself a new truck.

10. No-vada (1-6)

The previously top/bottom-ranked Woof Pack snapped a 16-game losing streak and recorded their first shutout in more than a dozen years. But they did so via a 6-0 win against a five-loss San Diego State team that has been a Bottom 10 Waiting List regular all season. To move Nevada completely out of these rankings after that would be like someone celebrating that they’d asked out the homecoming queen and she only said no instead of saying no while also pointing, laughing and doing a chocolate milk spit take in the school cafeteria. Not that I know what they feels like …

Waiting list: Rod Tidwell’s Alma Mater, U-Can’t, You A Bee?, the Bearcats with a “c,” all Big Ten schools in Indiana, Michigan State Little Brothers, the bottom of both S-E-C! divisions, way overplanning your sign stealing.