Things didn't add up for Ohio State and the rest of the Bottom 10

Inspirational thought of the week:

On my wall lies a photograph of you
Though I try to forget you somehow
You’re the mirror of my soul, so take me out of my hole
Let me try to go on living right now
Don’t forget to remember me
And the love that used to be
I still remember you
In my heart lies a memory to tell the stars above
Don’t forget to remember me, my love

— “Don’t Forget to Remember,” Bee Gees

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in a corner of the way-too-crowded Auburn University counseling office waiting room, we are in that facility not because our team just lost the Iron Bowl with a 99.9% chance of victory with 43 seconds remaining, but because the clock has ticked away on the end of another college football regular season.

Once again, we assembled our Bottom 10 Selection Committee to help sort out the final rankings. This year’s gathering was another star-studded affair. We had our usual list of longtime panelists, including me, Captain Morgan and former head coaches Ed Orgeron, Jerry Glanville, Bob Stoops and Ed “Straight Arrow” Gennero.

However, we lost some members with Charlie Weis hanging out with his son at Ole Miss and Dan Mullen taking a TV job. So we replaced them with Mike Riley and Bo Pelini. We also invited Jimbo Fisher, but the only response we received was a selfie of him posing with a 10-point buck while standing atop a pile of money like he was Richie Rich.

As per usual, we met not at the posh Gaylord Texan, where the hoity-toity College Football Playoff people hang out, but in an RV that we drove into the resort parking lot, so we could tailgate and catcall the CFP snobs as we deep-fried chicken thighs and watched Orgeron do shirtless pushups.

The problem was we partied a little too hard. Glanville started doing donuts in the RV, Coach O got into a fight with a Gaylord security guard and the rest of us fled the scene, nearly running over Heather Dinich as she did “SportsCenter” live shots from the CFP meetings. In other words, our exit looked like Oklahoma trying to make its final Big 12 entrance last weekend.

Illegal block below the waist! pic.twitter.com/LtDlrKXQ1z

— Devin Staton (@DevinStaton) November 24, 2023

With our committee now more scattered than a midweek #MACtion home crowd, we once again leaned on our Bottom 10 FPI formula. No, not the ESPN Football Power Index, but rather the Faux Pas Index.

It’s simple really. And by simple, we mean totally convoluted. Teams receive one point for each win, minus one point for each loss, minus one point for each loss of their longest losing streak of the year, plus a minus-10 bonus if that streak is active. We also subtract the number of points they surrendered from the number of points they scored, subtract or add points based on turnover margin, subtract their Weakness of Schedule (WoS) ranking and throw in a 50-point reduction if they have fired their head coach this season, aka the Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus. Divide that by the number of games played, and there’s your Bottom 10 FPI score.

So, with apologies to Pythagoras, Terry Tao, John Nash, former LSU running back Ken Addy and Steve Harvey, here’s the math-powered final Bottom 10 standings for 2023.

1. State of Kent (1-11)

Wins: +1
Losses: -11
Longest losing streak: -9 (current -10)
116 points for, 268 points against: -152
Turnover margin: -3
WoS: -119
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -303
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -25.25

Nick Saban’s alma mater finishes the season as the nation’s only 11-loss team. Saban has also lost 11 times … since 2014.

2. ULM (pronounced “UHLM”) (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
161 points for, 310 points against: -149
Turnover margin: +1
WoS: -74
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -300
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -25

Ulm, the Warhawks nearly, ulm, pulled off the ulmpset of Kent by, ulm, ending the season on an, ulm, 10-game losing streak and then, ulm, firing Terry Bowden to grab that 50-point FPI bonus. Instead, they’ve lost this competition too and will, ulm, have to settle for finishing last in the Sulmbelt.

3. UMess (3-9)

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -7
278 points for, 454 points against: -176
Turnover margin: -1
WoS: -82
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -272
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -22.7

The Minuetmen spent most of this season wandering in the woods around these rankings before making like the militia at Lexington and Concord and suddenly popping up out of nowhere to crash the party. The final charge fired from their muskets was last weekend’s loss in the New England Wicked Smaht Pillow Fight of Da Freaking Week against their hated neighbors from UCan’t. And by final charge fired from their muskets, we mean misfired, blowing their tricorn hats off in a cloud of black smoke like that renown American patriot Elmer Fudd.

4. Temple of Doom (3-9)

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -5
174 points for, 321 points against: -147
Turnover margin: -20
WoS: -87
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -265
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -22.1

Speaking of Bottom 10 party crashers, the Bowels won only once over their past nine games to freefall into this room like Tom Cruise in “Mission Impossible” but if someone had replaced his ropes and cables with silly string. Speaking of dropping stuff, Temple led the nation in turnover margin at -20, three more than any other team in the land. In related news, my cousin Earl, who is a member of the Shrine Club Temple of Eastern North Carolina, led the nation in turnovers consumed at our Thanksgiving dessert table.

5. O-Hi-No (11-1)

Ryan Day is now 56-7 at Ohio State but 1-3 against Michigan. On the flip side, Jim Harbaugh was 0-5 against Ohio State, but has won the past three. But if Harbaugh was actually stealing signs in the first two wins and not in the building for the third, does that mean he is actually 0-5? And that Day is actually 1-0? And if those games are taken off the board by the NCAA, then did they ever actually happen? Were those people ever actually there? If Michigan goes on to win it all, does the final four-team CFP actually matter? And have I actually already watched “Love, Actually” too much, even though Christmas is actually a month away and thus I can’t stop using the word actually?

6. Akronmonious (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
120 points for, 227 points against: -107
Turnover margin: -9
WoS: -126
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -256
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -21.3

Temple fans might be outraged here because Akron lost head-to-head to the Owls 24-21 back in Week 1 and so, in theory, should be ranked behind the Zips instead of ahead of them. Our response to that would be: 1. The Bottom 10 FPI math is what it is. 2. If you are outraged over the Bottom 10 rankings, then you need to seek help, like perhaps from a coach who can teach you how to hang on to the football. And 3. Hey, Kevin Negandhi, we know that user @GoOwlsMcGeeSux on social media is actually you. You used your “SportsCenter” headshot as your avatar.

7. Van-duh-bilt Commode Doors (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -10 (current -10)
135 points for, 317 points against: -182
Turnover margin: -3
WoS: -19
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -232
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -19.3

The only team in these rankings to crack the top 70 in Weakness of Schedule also played its entire season in half of a football stadium. So, in its defense, it is difficult enough to navigate one’s ship through the SEC, but it is clearly impossible to do so when there is nowhere to get dressed or go to the potty.

8. UTEPid (3-9)

Wins: +3
Losses: -9
Longest losing streak: -4
166 points for, 214 points against: -48
Turnover margin: -6
WoS: -105
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: -50
Total: -219
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -18.25

Our old friends from the stadium atop the mountain with a view of Ciudad Juarez hadn’t been in these standings all season. But the Minors made a major late push, thanks to a loss to then-top/bottom ranked Sam Houston We Have A Problem and then the firing of coach Dana Dimel, who led UTEP to the 2018 Bottom 10 title, then four years later led them into a bowl. This year he led them into a hole.

9. No-vada (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -6
140 points for, 236 points against: -96
Turnover margin: -4
WoS: -94
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -208
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -17.3

The Woof Pack won two games all season, back-to-back victories over San Diego Stank and New Mexico Not New Mexico State. In the weeks since, Aztecs head coach Brady Hoke announced his retirement and New Mexico fired Danny Gonzalez. Heads up, Brady and Danny, it’s certainly not the first time that a Reno establishment has altered the handling of someone’s retirement fund.

10. EC-Yew (2-10)

Wins: +2
Losses: -10
Longest losing streak: -5
120 points for, 165 points against: -45
Turnover margin: -5
WoS: -72
Randy Edsall Fired Coach Bonus: n/a
Total: -135
Games played: 12
Final Bottom 10 Faux Pas Index: -11.25

The Pie Rats posted a surprisingly low Bottom 10 FPI number. That’s fitting. Because their offense has been posting surprisingly low numbers all season long.

Waiting list: Charlotte 3-and-9ers, the Pitt and the Pendulum, Bailer, Sin-suh-natty, Indiana Who’s Yours?, Sam Houston We Have a Problem, Fa-La-La-La-La Tech, UCan’t, Stanfird, Rod Tidwell’s Alma Mater, Southern Missed, the end of another regular season … boo.