LEAD STORY — Awkward – News of the Weird – UExpress

Arnaldo Chamorro, chief of staff for Paraguay's Agriculture Ministry, lost his position on Nov. 29 after an embarrassing episode in which he signed a "proclamation" in October with the United States of Kailasa, Fox News reported. Trouble is, the USK doesn't exist; the fictional country is the brainchild of a fugitive guru, Nithyananda, who is wanted in India on several charges including sexual assault. Chamorro admitted during a radio interview that he was not familiar with Kailasa but said he signed the agreement because the country offered to help Paraguay with a variety of issues, including irrigation. News of the Weird has reported before (March 2023) about the posers, who have also fooled the United Nations and Newark City Hall in New Jersey, which signed a sister city agreement with the country. [Fox News, 11/30/2023]
The Way the World Works
Can't a grandma send her grandson home with an early Christmas gift without raising suspicions among the TSA? No, she can't. Actor Brett Gaffney headed back to Los Angeles on Nov. 25 after spending Thanksgiving in his native Kansas, People reported. At Kansas City International Airport, he said, "I got stopped at the airport security, and … it was because of this briefcase my grandma gave me as an early Christmas gift, and she said don't open it until you get to California." Gaffney followed her directions, but TSA wasn't having it. "They asked me what was inside, and I said, 'I don't know, I don't know.' They said, 'What do you mean? You're bringing a briefcase and you don't know what's inside?'" Turns out, Gaffney's nana had gifted him a vintage Smith-Corona typewriter. "Who am I, Tom Hanks?" Gaffney joked. He continued his story on TikTok: "I didn't think I'd use this, but here we are. It's so calming. All I want to do is stay home and type on my typewriter." Thanks, Grandma. [People, 12/4/2023]
Crime Report
After getting a Waffle House logo tattooed on his calf on Dec. 2 in St. Petersburg, Florida, 33-year-old Max Alexander Krejckant of Clearwater "refused all options to satisfy his debts," police said — which amounted to $250. As a result, The Smoking Gun reported, he was arrested at the Ink Godz shop; police found only $6 and a driver's license on his person when he was frisked (although they noted he was under the influence of something). Krejckant bonded out and pleaded not guilty (huge Waffle House tattoo evidence notwithstanding). Wonder what the charge is for bad inking decisions? [Smoking Gun, 12/4/2023]
Animal Antics
The mystery of who has been slashing tires in the southern Italian city of Vastogirardi has been solved, The Guardian reported. The wave of damaged tires began in July and ramped up again in October in the town of about 600 residents, forcing police to place undercover cops on patrol. Finally, they mounted surveillance cameras, and in late November, they collared their suspect: a dog named Billy, who was suffering from a painful case of gingivitis. "It is a peaceful village — we knew it couldn't be anyone from outside as we are always aware of any suspicious movements," said deputy mayor Remo Scocchera. "It's a positive thing that the perpetrator wasn't a person in the village." Still, Billy's owner will probably have to pony up for the damaged tires — not to mention dental work. [Guardian, 12/4/2023]
The Passing Parade
Rosemary Hayne, 39, lost her temper (and rice, and sauce, and everything else) when she berated a Chipotle manager in Parma, Ohio, and then threw a bowl of food at her in September, Food & Wine reported. Hayne tried to run out of the restaurant, but other diners captured her license plate number and contacted police, who arrested her on Sept. 5. On Nov. 28, Judge Timothy Gilligan offered Hayne one of two sentences for her "not acceptable" behavior: the standard sentence of a fine and 180 days in jail, or 60 days in jail and working 20 hours a week at a fast-food restaurant for two months. Hayne apologized to the court and the victim and accepted the custom sentence. "She could have punched me in my face or pulled a gun out," said the victim. "I'm lucky that I only got a bowl thrown in my face." She has found a job at another restaurant. [Food & Wine, 12/5/2023]
The Golden Age of Air Travel
Yeah, yeah, another flight diverted because of unruly passengers. This story gets bonus points: On Dec. 5, just before a Breeze Airways flight took off from Orlando, headed to Providence, Rhode Island, a couple on board got into a heated argument, News4Jax-TV reported. It seems the man was unhappy because he wanted to get off the plane — which wouldn't have been such a big deal, but during the discussion, the word "bomb" came up. Passenger Rachael Corrigan said, "The people were talking about or claiming the other person had a bomb … The people around them … reported it to the airline, and they're obligated to land the plane." The pilot diverted to Jacksonville, Florida, where the man and woman were met by FBI agents and arrested. Breeze Airways canceled the flight. [News4Jax, 12/6/2023]
News You Can Use
In Stenlille, Denmark, a vehicle fire also damaged a nearby house on Dec. 2, InShort reported. Police issued a warning to the community after the fire, cautioning people against using toasters under the front of cars to keep EV batteries warm. While there were no injuries, the car was heavily damaged, and the owner likely will have to pay a fine. [InShort, 12/5/2023]
Least Competent Criminal
A 62-year-old woman from Haslett, Michigan, picked a poor time to dash through the self-checkout at Walmart with $700 worth of merchandise in her cart, WJRT-TV reported. On Dec. 2, as the store participated in a Shop With a Cop event in Genoa Township, a clerk notified one of about 75 police officers on hand about the shoplifter. "I do have to say it surprised me," said Michigan State Police Lt. Rene Gonzalez. "When you see 75 cops in the store, I mean, I don't know if maybe they thought we were too busy." The alleged thief was detained in the parking lot and taken to jail. [WJRT, 12/5/2023]
Nah, I'm Done
Joshua James Pinquet, 21, of Orlando, Florida, made an apparent sudden decision on Nov. 28 to quit his job, Iredell Free News reported. As he was driving a van with four prison inmates locked in the cargo area, Pinquet contacted his boss at the inmate transport company and said he was done. He was supposed to deliver the inmates to Hickory, North Carolina, but instead he kept going; when Iredell County sheriff's officers caught up with him, he was arrested and charged with second-degree kidnapping and larceny. [Iredell Free News, 12/3/2023]
Saw That Coming
In Venice, Italy, on Dec. 3, tourists once again behaved badly — and this time they ended up all wet. The Guardian reported that travelers from China were riding in a gondola through the city's canals, shifting around and standing to take selfies, when the gondola capsized, dumping them in the cold water. The gondolier had repeatedly asked them to stay seated, but as he maneuvered under a bridge, the vessel became unbalanced. He, too, ended up in the water, where he assisted his passengers to safety. [Guardian, 12/6/2023]
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Get those pens and pencils — OK, Google forms — ready! The Tampa Bay Times is inviting readers and anyone else around the world to submit their grievances, the best of which the Times will publish to celebrate Festivus on Dec. 23. United Press International reported that this will be the eighth year for the Times' Airing of Grievances. The custom is one feature of the holiday, which was introduced on a "Seinfeld" episode in 1997. (You might also remember the unadorned metal pole and feats of strength.) Happy Festivus, everyone! [UPI, 11/30/2023]
Precocious
Ann Arbor, Michigan, police chased a stolen 17-ton forklift through city streets for an hour on Nov. 25, NBC News reported, in what they called "a very dangerous situation" — especially so, since the driver was a 12-year-old boy. The boy allegedly found the construction vehicle outside Forsythe Middle School with the keys inside. While no one was injured, the forklift struck 10 cars as it crawled through neighborhoods with law enforcement in pursuit; at one point, officers warned other cars that he was "lowering the hooks — don't go in front" of it. The boy was taken into custody and moved to a juvenile detention center. [NBC News, 11/27/2023]
The Passing Parade
"I'm having it my way!" appeared to be the message from a large inflatable Burger King Whopper that came loose outside a restaurant in Newberg, Oregon, and took off through the windy streets. KOIN-TV reported that the sandwich began its journey around 7 a.m. on Nov. 11 and crashed into a smoke shop before hitting an American flag and another business. Amy Kepler of the Newberg Police Department said that strangely, they didn't receive any 911 calls about the burger, and no injuries or damage were reported to police. "It happened very quickly and did not affect traffic," she said. [KOIN, 11/23/2023]
Unconventional Weaponry
Sandra Jimenez, 44, is cooling her heels at the Turner Guilford Knight Correctional Center in Miami, Florida, after she attacked her boyfriend of eight years on Nov. 25 at their home, Fox35-TV reported. According to the victim, as the couple argued about him "looking at other women," Jimenez allegedly jumped on him as he lay on the couch and stabbed him in the right eye with one of her dog's rabies shot needles. She then left the house, and he called police, who took him to the hospital. Officers later found her asleep in a vehicle outside the home and arrested her for aggravated battery. Jimenez told them her boyfriend's injuries were "self-inflicted." [Fox35, 11/27/2023]
Government in Action
— Iris Logan, 70, converted her front yard in St. Paul, Minnesota, into an expression of her individuality more than 30 years ago, the Associated Press reported. But the city inspector is fed up with her stones, statues and decorative art and has given her until Dec. 22 to clear it out. "I'm a rock lover," Logan said. "If I see a rock I like, I try and roll it in my car on a 2-by-4." A petition supporting Logan gained 150 signatures. "It's not just about aesthetics," said Justin Lewandowski, a community organizer. "It's about our identity and how we, as residents, engage with each other and with city policy." [AP, 11/27/2023]
— Kansans, emboldened by their vote to keep abortion legal in 2022, have spoken again: On Nov. 28, Gov. Laura Kelly announced that the state will halt production on the "ugly as sin" new license plates that were supposed to roll out in 2024. Fox News reported that some drivers balked at the design because it too closely resembled the University of Missouri's colors; others thought the gold-and-black plate was Kelly's nod to New York, her home state. Others called it "slapdash and dull." The governor promised a future public vote on possible new designs. [Fox News, 11/28/2023]
The Continuing Crisis
Only in 2023. On Nov. 28, as a big gust of wind whirled through Washington, D.C., the fully decorated National Christmas Tree was blown over, WUSA-TV reported. The National Park Service had to replace a snapped cable and install reinforcement cables and concrete blocks to secure the tree, but the lighting ceremony went on as planned on Nov. 30. [WUSA, 11/29/2023]
The Golden Age of Air Travel
A woman flying from Orlando to Philadelphia on Nov. 20 on Frontier Airlines apparently couldn't hold it another second, WKRC-TV reported. "Sorry, everybody," she said in a video captured by traveler Julie Hartman, before pulling her pants down and squatting in the aisle to urinate. According to the woman, she had been told by a flight attendant that she couldn't use the restroom; one woman on the video can be heard saying, "That poor little boy" about a child sitting next to the spot where the woman squatted. [WKRC, 11/23/2023]
Wait, What?
A 35-year-old man from Vietnam went to the hospital in Dong Hoi on Nov. 24 with severe headaches, fluid discharge and loss of vision, Metro News reported. When doctors did a CT scan, they discovered two broken chopsticks that were penetrating into his skull from his nose. Apparently, the man had been in a fight several months before and didn't remember much about it — but said he thought something might have been stabbed into his face. Surgeons removed the chopsticks, and the patient is recovering. [Metro News, 11/27/2023]
Yikes!
As a man in Xiamen, China, used the "smart" toilet in his home on Nov. 10, he first smelled smoke — right before the toilet burst into flames. He didn't have time to pull his shorts back up, but he did manage to capture pictures of the toilet with flames emerging from the bowl. Oddity Central reported that the owner believed a short circuit was to blame; other incidents of toilets bursting into flame in China have been reported over the last two years. Burning ring of fire, indeed. [Oddity Central, 11/29/2023]
Wrong Place, Wrong Time
Christopher Boyd, 32, was riding in a car on Nov. 27 in Evansville, Indiana, when it was pulled over for an obscured license plate, The Smoking Gun reported. Boyd was patted down, and officers found a "small bag with multiple pills" in his sock. Boyd told them he uses Percocet for pain from a bullet lodged in his spine. Police noticed he "tensed up" when being searched in his groin area; they asked if he had anything stuffed in his groin or buttocks, and he said he did not. But when they arrived at the station, Boyd was "walking with a limp and appeared to be clenching his buttocks." A trip through a scanner identified a large object — a Smith & Wesson handgun of about 5 inches in length — in his rectum. (The manufacturer does claim the pistol is "perfectly suited for concealed carry" …) It was not reported whether the weapon was loaded. Boyd also had two plastic bags of marijuana "tucked" next to his scrotum. He was booked into the Vanderburgh County jail. [Smoking Gun, 11/27/2023]
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The Saucon Valley School District in Hellertown, Pennsylvania, and The Satanic Temple have come to an agreement, The Philadelphia Inquirer reported. Earlier in 2023, the district had banned the temple from using its facilities at Saucon Valley Middle School to host the After School Satan Club (motto: Educatin' With Satan). But on Nov. 16, the district agreed to cover the temple's attorney fees and give the club the same access to facilities as "comparable groups." However, The Satanic Temple noted that they do not run the clubs in districts where there are no Christian-based religious programs; since the district's Good News Club appears to be defunct this year, the After School Satan Club will be on hold. [Philadelphia Inquirer, 11/17/2023]
Let This Be a Warning to You
— Office Christmas parties are on the horizon, so take this cautionary tale to heart: Alana Bechiom filed a lawsuit last week in Los Angeles Superior Court over a Christmas party that went very sideways last year at a San Pedro, California, Taco Bell, where she worked at the time. KTLA-TV reported that Bechiom's manager invited her to the potluck staff party, and Bechiom brought a bowl of guacamole. When she arrived, she said, she realized her manager had "covered the windows of the restaurant with wrapping paper" and had covered the lobby cameras. She noted that the supervisor had provided alcohol and some staffers were "overserved." After stepping outside for a moment late in the evening, Bechiom returned to find a co-worker "having sex with his wife in front of everyone at the party"; the wife was also kissing the manager and another female co-worker. Bechiom said she ran out of the restaurant but went back in to get her guacamole bowl, where she found the manager and co-worker vomiting, one in her bowl. Bechiom reported the incident to Taco Bell, and the manager and co-worker were fired, but since then she's been threatened and had her car windows shattered. Bechiom said she has suffered "actual, consequential and incidental financial losses"; her lawsuit names Taco Bell and the franchise owner, who she said "did nothing about the threats." Taco Bell says they "take these claims very seriously." [KTLA, 11/21/2023]
— Angela Presti of Parma, Ohio, was so excited to bring home her first real Christmas tree and decorate it with her daughter, WKYC-TV reported. But a few hours later, she noticed her face was swollen and "My cheek was hot and itchy," she said. "My tongue, I felt like I could swallow it, except I couldn't swallow and my throat started closing and my breathing was wheezy." Presti called her dad, who rushed her to the emergency room. She said medical staff weren't surprised that it might be the tree; about 7% of the population suffers from Christmas Tree Syndrome, caused not so much by the tree itself as the mold that grows on it in the sales lot. Presti's doctor suggested she go back to an artificial tree. [WKYC, 11/20/2023]
Supernatural
According to the Harte Research Institute for Gulf of Mexico Studies, a number of "witch bottles," created to deter evil spirits, are washing up along Gulf Coast beaches, the Fort Worth Star-Telegram reported on Nov. 20. The bottles are part of old-school spell casting; they contain objects including iron nails, rusty pins, hair and urine. Jace Tunnell of the institute thinks the bottles originate in the Caribbean and South America. "I've found around eight of these bottles and never opened one. I have five of them on my fence in the backyard since my wife won't let me bring them inside," he said. Tunnell said the bottles are intended to "draw in and trap harmful intentions directed at their owners." [Fort Worth Star-Telegram, 11/20/2023]
Least Competent Criminals
Three unnamed men were taken into custody in St. Louis, Missouri, on Nov. 16 after accidentally locking themselves in a city jail known as the Workhouse, KSDK-TV reported. The Workhouse, a medium-security lockup, has been empty for more than a year; the trespassers had to call 911 after getting themselves trapped inside. After being sprung, they were arrested for property damage, burglary and stealing. [KSDK, 11/17/2023]
Mystery Solved
Residents of Tees Valley in Northeast England have been flummoxed by about 1,000 small blue balls that have washed up on their beaches since mid-November, Metro News reported. The bright blue orbs are made of a rubberlike substance, and many people believe the appearance has to do with storms and strong currents disturbing a deposit of balls on the seabed. As it turns out, the balls are called Taprogge balls, after their manufacturer, and they're used to clean the local power station's pipes. Sometimes they get released into the sea, but station officials say there's been no release lately. "They do this every week, they go through with the balls. It's a closed system and the balls shouldn't escape," said Jacky Watson from the Tees Valley Wildlife Trust. "They are natural and will biodegrade but are still a hazard. We put the word out locally if people found the balls, they could let us know." [Metro News, 11/19/2023]
Inexplicable
— Tapacio Sanchez, 35, wasn't even a guest at the La Quinta Inn in Naples, Florida, when she started taking out her aggressions on the fire suppression systems there on Nov. 18, WINK-TV reported. Managers at the hotel asked Sanchez to leave the premises, but instead she tampered with the HVAC circuit breaker, ripping out internal wiring, and damaged eight sprinkler heads. Next, Sanchez took off for the Olive Garden restaurant next door, where she was discovered in the restroom with a dog (not hers). Police said she was speaking gibberish. She was arrested; the dog was returned to its owner. [WINK, 11/20/2023]
— Thieves made off with a questionable booty on Nov. 20 in Philadelphia, WPVI-TV reported. While a tractor-trailer was parked in a Target lot, six men broke the locks on the back of the trailer and stole multiple cases of talcum powder, police said. The driver was in the cab at the time but was unaware of the burglary until he started to drive away. [WPVI, 11/20/2023]
Awesome!
At an adoption event on Nov. 11, the Anti-Cruelty Society, a Chicago animal shelter, had just one dog left: Elvis, a "3-year-old meatball," People reported. So the ACS took to Facebook to appeal for Elvis' placement: "Elvis was the only dog that didn't find a home during our Fall in Love adoption week. He met a lot of potential adopters … Help us find Elvis a family to love!" Three days later, Elvis' dreams came true in a serendipitous way: Loren Michael Agron — who used to work as an Elvis Presley impersonator — and Drew Wilhelm took Elvis home. "Elvis has LEFT the building," the ACS announced. "We couldn't be happier for Elvis, who finally got his happily ever after!" The couple report that the canine king of rock has settled in nicely: "His personality is shining through so much." He may be nothin' but a "Hound Dog," but Elvis is not "Lonesome Tonight." [People, 11/19/2023]
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