9 Best Florida Man Headlines – The Mary Sue
As a Floridian, I can attest to the fact that Florida is a place full of wacky people. However, the real reason behind the absurd amount of “Florida Man” headlines is something called the Sunshine Law. The law makes many records public, and this includes mugshots, criminal information, and arrest records. Thanks to these being readily available, many journalists can get their hands on some silly, absurd scoops—hence the many, many stories of Florida Man’s antics.
Here are 10 of the wildest, funniest, and best Florida Man headlines of all time.
This classic gem from February 2016 is all about a man who, while on a morning drive, simply picked up a juvenile alligator, drove to Wendy’s, and proceeded to chuck it through the drive-thru window. According to his court case, the man professed that he’d done it “simply because,” so his sentence was not very long. His mother even told the news that it was just a “stupid prank.” If anything, the most impressive part of all this was even having the courage to pick up a random alligator and hold it in a car.
Even cops aren’t immune from the Florida shenanigans. In 2018, a police officer complained that Burger King employees had put a “gritty” substance on his burger, but as serious investigations took place, it was revealed to just be seasoning. Though the cop seemed pretty insistent on what he believed the substance was, everyone can agree that gritty stuff in food isn’t exactly the tastiest.
In one of the more bizarre Florida tales, even though the headline doesn’t actually say “Florida Man,” an inmate had 3 syringes pulled from his rectum. He insisted they were not his after repeated questioning. The inmate was just entering prison following an arrest for marijuana possession when the syringes were removed during a body screening. Though he remained adamant that the needles were not his, he was slapped with additional charges for trying to bring them into the prison.
Driving under the influence (DUI) is a very common criminal charge, and many stories exist about people being arrested for it. But you’ve probably never heard of someone getting arrested for DUI while on a Segway. In this hilarious case, a Florida man was arrested for DUI while riding the two-wheeled scooter right in front of a police station after drinking two bottles of wine.
Gymnastics probably isn’t the first thing you’d think someone would use to escape being grabbed, but it most certainly was for this person. Outside an Orlando shop, a nimble Florida man escaped being apprehended by the cops by … cartwheeling. After the man was chased down and eventually captured, he received a charge for battery of an officer. That certainly wouldn’t put a spring in anyone’s step.
If you need to get somewhere, you usually call an Uber or Lyft, right? Well, apparently there’s a “better” option. To score a ride to Hooters, this Florida man’s brilliant idea was to call 911 to request a ride to the restaurant to help his ill grandmother. When she turned out to be fine, he was arrested on charges of misusing 911. It’s unclear whether he was under the influence of alcohol or not, but regardless, it seems that some people still don’t know how to use 911 after all this time.
Panic can easily obscure common sense. In this example, two Floridians were seemingly “trapped” in a janitor’s closet for two days—but walked right out after they finally figured out that the door was unlocked. The closet was located at Daytona State University, meaning they probably weren’t studying up on their classes. The two were hiding from the police, and were in lots of pain while hiding—thankfully, they were only charged with trespassing.
Police impersonators are quite common across the U.S., but in this case, one managed to back himself into a corner. A Florida man arrested with impersonating an officer had been driving around and saw a speeding car, trying to pull it over—but when he finally did, it turned out to be an actual police car, promptly leading to his arrest.
Ever wish you could time travel like they do in Back to the Future? Well, you probably won’t want to try it after this. A Florida man was arrested after driving his car into a mall in an attempt to “time travel” in the way that it’s done in the movie: driving 88 miles per hour in a car. Obviously, his plan failed—and time travel still isn’t exactly possible, even at 88 miles per hour.
(featured image: Universal Pictures)
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