News That Sounds Like a Joke | News of the Weird – Salt Lake City Weekly
August 23, 2023 News » News of the Weird
News That Sounds Like a Joke
The infamous “Lake Tahoe Foot Fondler” couldn’t outrun authorities forever, the New York Post reported. On Aug. 1, Mark Anthony Gonzales, 26, was arrested in Atwater, California, and charged with burglary and battery after two early July incidents at the Club Wyndham South Shore hotel in Nevada. According to police, Gonzales “entered two … condominiums by opening unlocked screen doors. Once inside, he positioned himself at the foot of the bed and rubbed the feet of two separate adult females” in two different units. Gonzales fled when his victims woke up and confronted him. He is also suspected of trespassing and stealing women’s shoes for sexual pleasure. He was being held for extradition back to Nevada.
Unclear on the Concept
Pinellas County (Florida) deputies are pleading with the public to stop calling them about manatees in canals and shorelines along the Gulf Coast, Fox13-TV reported on Aug. 1. People think the manatees are in distress because they’re swimming in herds and thrashing about, but officials stress that the sea cows are only mating. “IF YOU SEE THIS … DON’T CALL US,” the sheriff’s office warned via Facebook post. “We can assure you they are more than fine. Manatees actually mate in herds like these and often they are near the shore. … There’s no need to call, they are a-okay!”
The Entrepreneurial Spirit
In a stunning stroke of genius, the Alpha and Omega Funeral Home in Ahuachapan, El Salvador, started offering Barbie-themed coffins last year, the New York Post reported. With the movie’s summer success, undertaker Isaac Villegas said they’ve been swamped with orders and have sold out of the hot pink caskets. “We wanted to promote the pink coffin as it has become a trend,” Villegas said. “Of the 40 people who inquired about it, we have already closed a contract with at least 10 new clients.” Similarly, in Guayaquil, Ecuador, funeral home Funeraria Olivares is offering a “Barbie House” coffin, “so you can rest like a Barbie.” One manufacturer gushed about their product: “This coffin, with its striking bright pink color, represents the spark and energy of those unforgettable moments they lived.” One El Salvadoran commenter conceded, “Eternal rest doesn’t look so bad anymore.”
Nowhere To Go but Up
Early on July 28, Thornton, Colorado, police were called out about a stolen car, KKTV reported. As the officers gathered information, the suspect, 36-year-old Julian Fernandez, returned to the scene, but “quickly ran on foot from the area and out of sight,” police said. While they watched, the man jumped over a security fence and started climbing a 320-foot radio tower. He eventually reached the top of the tower, where he stayed for 12 hours as crisis negotiators tried to reason with him. In the end, firefighters climbed the tower and brought Fernandez down.
Unconventional Weaponry
A Sonic Drive-In restaurant in Tulsa, Oklahoma, was the scene of a gruesome assault on Aug. 1, Fox News reported. Police arriving at the scene found a man with a flagpole—American flag still attached—through his head. They said it had entered under his jaw and exited near his right temple. Witnesses reported that the suspect, Clinton Collins, allegedly charged the victim and ran the pole through his head, saying, “That’s what he gets. He deserved it.” Collins was taken into custody immediately. Emergency responders had to cut part of the flagpole away in order to fit the victim in the ambulance. He survived but may lose an eye, police said.
Bright Idea
Pinecrest, Florida, has a peculiar problem: peacocks. The New York Times reported on Aug. 9 that the city has been overrun with the large, loud, destructive birds, which peck at roofs and cars and relieve themselves all over driveways. The solution? Peacock vasectomies. Dr. Don J. Harris, the veterinarian who will snip the feisty birds, said they’re “bona fide polygamists. We’re going to catch one peacock and probably stop seven females from reproducing. It’s going to have an exponential benefit.” County commissioners approved the plan, and city officials designated $7,500 a month to cover trapping and surgery.
Nature Gone Wild
Peggy Jones, 64, of Silsbee, Texas, got a little too close to nature for comfort on July 25 as she and her husband did yard work on their property. The New York Times reported that out of the blue, a snake fell from the sky, wrapped itself around Jones’ forearm and started to squeeze. “I immediately screamed and started swinging my arm to shake the snake off,” she said. “I was screaming, ‘Jesus, help me, please, Jesus, help me!'” But the snake hissed and struck at her face, sometimes hitting her glasses. Then, as Jones struggled, a hawk swooped down and tried to grab the snake—which it had apparently dropped down from on high—from her arm. As the hawk wrestled with the snake, its talons slashed into Jones’ arm. Finally, the hawk got hold of the snake and flew off. She said the whole incident probably took only 15 or 20 seconds, but afterward, “I looked down at my arm and it was totally covered in blood.” Jones’ husband, Wendell, saw his wife screaming and running in a zigzag pattern: “By the time I got to her, she was pretty hysterical,” he said. Doctors said most of her wounds were caused by the hawk rather than the snake. Jones says that she is healing physically but is still having nightmares about the incident.
Irony
An instructor at a driving school in Lakewood, Colorado, won’t be getting a passing grade after crashing a car into the school’s front window on Aug. 8—just under a sign that says “Learn To Drive.” KDFW-TV reported that the driver, who was trying to park a Hyundai Tucson in front of the Community Driving School, was cited for a traffic violation. Local police said there was only one minor injury.
Field Report
Divers Ken Fleming and Doug Bishop were searching for clues in missing persons cold cases on Aug. 6 in Doral, Florida, when they stumbled upon an investigatory treasure chest, WSVN-TV reported. “We realized we had 32 cars underwater,” Fleming said. The divers work as volunteers and have a huge database of missing persons. “We have 40 that we’re targeting right now of folks that disappeared, anywhere from two or three months ago to 30, 40 years ago,” he said. Statewide, Fleming said they have found 60 submerged cars that may be linked to crimes. They’ll work with the county to get the vehicles removed and collect and deliver any pertinent information from them.
But, Why?
A mysterious man is taking pacifiers out of the mouths of babes in Harlow, England, Sky News reported. The incidents started in February, with the most recent one taking place on Aug. 7. One of the children was also assaulted. The suspect is a young, slim white man with brown eyes and yellow teeth, police said; they are soliciting information from anyone who has any knowledge of the cagey Dummy Bandit (our moniker, not theirs). “As a parent myself, I understand the level of concern,” said chief inspector Paul Austin.
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