Bottom 10: Alabama stares into the void, wondering how it got here
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Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer
Inspirational thought of the week:
Guess who’s back?
Back again?
Shady’s back.
Tell a friend.
Guess who’s back?
Guess who’s back?
Da-da-da, da, da, da, da, da, da
— “Without Me,” Eminem
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the hermetically sealed “Ocean’s Eleven”-proof underground lockbox bunker where Nick Saban is now trying to hide all known recordings of his “The only place you play in the SEC that’s not hard to play at is Vanderbilt” hot take, we are hunkered down with our VHS/DVD/TV three-in-one entertainment unit with one particular videotape on repeat. It’s the opening scene of “The Lion King.” You know the one. When all the animals march toward Pride Rock, hooves, paws and wings assembling to the music of Elton John. Yes, the Circle of Life. And for the next two hours, clumsy little Simba can’t get out of his own way, is banished, wanders the wilderness doing who knows what, his family believing he is gone forever, and then he returns.
It’s the classic tale of the prodigal son returning. Like Tony Stark. Or Michael McDonald rejoining the Doobie Brothers. Or a Bottom 10 team that starts winning games and leaves our herd for greener bowl game pastures. Such as … wait … what’s that the prophet simian is holding up from the tip of Pride Rock? Is it? Yes! It is!
A Kansas Nayhawk!
#Bottom10 Spoiler Alert: Life comes at you fast. From October 2022: pic.twitter.com/DhLSpjZGOw
— Ryan McGee (@ESPNMcGee) October 8, 2024
With apologies to Gale Sayers, Greg Ostertag, Tim Rice, Hans Zimmer and Steve Harvey, here’s the post-Week 6 Bottom 10 rankings.
The New Money Owls have yet to win in their first season of FBS ball, with their latest defeat coming at the hands of Jacksonville (Not Florida) State (Not Those) Gamecocks, 63-24. During the postgame handshakes, Jax State, who made its move to the big leagues just last year, could be heard saying, “We know it’s rough. Just hang on. Wait … we made it to a bowl game last year and won it. WTH, get it together. New Orleans Bowl champs, son!”
The Golden(plated) Flashes moved up/down to this spot when they were spared having to play a game during Week 6, allowing other teams to join them in the Five-Loss Club. Now they host the Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year, welcoming 1-5 Baller State. When I went to the magical and all-knowing ESPN Analytics computer for a preview of the game, it sent a little guy who looked suspiciously like Tron, who said, “Don’t you have better things to do with your time? Go outside. Read a book. Punch yourself in the eye socket. Anything.”
The Minors fell to the Sam Houston State Bearkats, whose mascot is a giant bright orange car, er, sorry, kat. Now they face Western Kentucky, whose mascot is a big red blob that looks like something koughed up on the karpet.
The bad news? The UAB Blazers were edged by Tulane 71-20. The worse news? Now they play Army, which is currently the most unstoppable it has been since the tank campaign of North Africa. The good news? The Blazers did not have the worst weekend of any Alabama-based college football programs. Speaking of …
During a weekend when so many teams with numbers next to their names lost, Bama was the only one to have the loneliest number next to its name that lost to a team which hasn’t had a number of any size next to its name since 2013. Now comes the fun part. Watching the people dressed in houndstooth have no idea how the Coveted Fifth Spot works. Kind of like their defense didn’t seem to understand how the Vandy draw play worked.
The Other Aggies had the weekend off. Hopefully they didn’t turn on their TVs, because they would have had to watch their former quarterback Diego Pavia run all those draw plays against Bama.
Temple University, TU, will soon play the University of Tulsa, UT, two weeks before it plays Tulane University, also TU, and one month before it plays UTSA, which is part of the University of Texas, also UT, system, and finishes the season playing North Texas, which is UNT, part of the UNT system. But before all those T’s, TU gets a weekend of needed TO — time off.
The Minuetmen lost to Notre Dame daddies Northern Illinois and now have the unfortunate timing of facing Mizzou the week after it was embarrassed by Texas A&M, aka the OG Aggies. In related news …
The Other Other Aggies also have the honor of being the recipient of a jaded team revenge tour, as would-be CFP-crasher unLv seeks to bounce back from reminding America that Syracuse still plays football.
And you thought after that finely crafted “Lion King” intro that we’d forget?
Waiting list: Minute Rice, Pur-don’t, UCLA Boo-ins, Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-Tech, Flori-duh State Semi-No’s, Baller State, Southern Missed, Whew Mexico Not Whew Mexico State, Miss Sus Hippie State, My Hammy of Ohio, Akronmonious, Why-OMG-ing? Muddled Tennessee State, Troy Bolton State, celebrating too early.
