Bottom 10: Texas gets a little on the trashy side
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Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer
Inspirational thought of the week:
So put me in the ground
Put me six foot down
And let the stone say
“Here lies the girl whose only crutch, Was loving one man just a little too much”
If you go before I do, I’m gonna tell the gravedigger that he better dig two
Dig two
— “Better Dig Two,” The Band Perry
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the medical tent where the neck braces are stored to help Joey Galloway heal from whiplash after entire Saturdays of rapidly turning his head to go “WTH?” after every point made by Dan Mullen, we know that the college football seasons make the clubhouse turn into the back nine, the room where we live can become a rapidly emptying place.
At the start of each autumn, coaches love to remind us that every team in the land is beginning the season with a zero in the loss column. But never do they dare go through the Bottom 10 looking glass and allow themselves to be reminded that every team in the land also kicks off with a zero on the other side of that hyphen, or dash, or whatever it is, in the win column.
So, while those who claim to love the game continue to count and recount the dwindling number of FBS programs that remain undefeated, we here, who truly adore this sport on a deeper level, like to remind everyone of the other countdown of records. Those teams that are still seeking their first victory of the fall.
The room of undefeateds is still in double digits, a whopping 10. So what’s the point in applauding that? Here in the Bottom 10 Cinematic Universe, we are down to only two winless squads. The unbeaten room is so crowded we are going to call the fire marshal. Our room, the beaten room, college football’s most exclusive club, only needs a fire extinguisher.
With apologies to Deuce McAllister, David “The Deuce” Palmer, Duce Staley, Rob Base and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 8 Bottom 10 rankings:
The Golden(plated) Flashes lost their 16th straight game, to four-loss Boiling Green after losing a Pillow Fight of the Week to four-loss Baller State, and now they face three-loss Western Not Eastern Or Central Michigan, who sit atop the #MACtion standings. This is awesome if you’ve ever dreamed of seeing someone fall up a flight of stairs.
The New Owls on the Block (NO²TB) came off their bye week and resumed their chase of Kent as the nation’s only remaining oh-fer teams. Now Kennesaw Mountain will spend Wednesday night traveling to Liberty Mountain, where the undefeated Flames open every game with a prayer before leaving opponents without one.
The Eagles make a big jump/fall in these rankings, thanks in part to being one of the first FBS programs to fire its head coach (heeeey, East Carolina …) and also because they found a potential Fun Belt dancing partner for a potential season finale Pillow Fight of the Week of the Year of Century, or PFOWYOC, pronounced “puh-fow-yok,” which is also what Will Hall angrily called everyone in the front office as he was escorted out. And who is that PFOWYOC against?
The East Coast Trojans, who have charged into the top bottom four after three straight Fun Belt losses and now face the Fightin’ Butches of Arkansaw State, the same team that just ended Will Hall’s tenure in Hattiesburg.
A yellow flag was thrown on the field. Then Horns fans threw a bunch of stuff on the field. Then the flag was picked up off the field. Then the trash was picked up off the field. But … there was never another flag thrown because of the stuff thrown on the field?
The good news for the Blazers is that even though they keep losing, no one can see it because the entire state of Alabama is shrouded in thick white smoke from the dumpster fire on the Plains and the panic attacks in Tuscaloosa.
The Other Other Aggies continue their 2026 Pac-12 Admittance party by playing like a 2022 Pac-12 team, falling to 1-6 after losing to New Mexico’s non-Aggies. Now, while we are obsessing over current #MACtion PFOWYs and future Fun Belt PFOWYOCs, Utah State is hitting the road for a showdown that has snuck up on us, against …
The Chowboys knew the way to San Jose, but unfortunately, Spartans wideout Nick Nash knew the way to the end zone for the seventh straight game. If Wyoming is going to fulfill its dream of three-peating as Arizona Bowl champions, it can’t lose again this season.
New Duke head coach Manny Diaz has now successfully beaten the coach who embarrassed him at Texas, UNC’s Mack Brown, his alma mater FSU, and in two weeks has a chance to ruin the year for the school that fired him three years ago, Miami. The last time someone went through ACC country like this, they were carrying orders from Sherman.
The Buttermakers are 1-6 and 0-4 in conference play. After an open date, they host Northworstern, which is 3-4 and 1-3 in the conference. With all the changes in college football, especially in the Big Ten, this game is like being wrapped up in an old blanket from your grandma’s house. Sure, it needs to be washed and it smells like a gym sock dipped in kitty litter and VapoRub, but at least it’s familiar.
Waiting list: UMess, FI(notA)U, UTEPid (aka the team that just beat FIU), Temple of Doom, Living on Tulsa Time (aka the team that just lost to Temple of Doom), Whew Mexico State, Me-dle Tennessee, Fa-la-la-la-la La-la-la-Tech, Baller State, Miss Sus Hippie State, Snore Eagle, Akronmonious, flopping.
