Bottom 10: Tennessee gets stuck in The Swamp again

Inspirational thought of the week:

An old man passed me on the street today
I thought I knew him but I couldn’t say
I stopped to think if I could place his frame
When he tipped his hat, I knew his name

Hello old friend
It’s really good to see you once again

— “Hello Old Friend” Eric Clapton

Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located in the abandoned Sam Goody’s where Desmond Howard now keeps his ginormous record collection, we have long recognized and appreciated the similarly good feelings that come from the notes of a classic tune that you haven’t heard in a while and recognizing a familiar face of an old friend you haven’t seen in a while.

Just recently, I sent my daughter off to college and people kept saying to me, “It’s such a weird feeling, isn’t it?” But it isn’t. The best part of the Bottom 10 pollster experience is when a longtime resident of these parts moves on, graduating to stand among those who have cashed in their Pillow Fight of the Week frequent flyer card for regular invitations to bowl games.

Occasionally, it’s good to see those old pals pop back in to see us here, getting back to their rotten Bottom 10 roots, such as a couple of teams this week. But it’s still best to see them pop up in the headlines for good reasons. OK, good reasons for them, but not for the ones they tripped up.

Say, our old friends the South Alabama Redundancies …

I assume @ESPNMcGee will mention the South Alabama Redundancies in this week’s Bottom Ten. Perhaps there should be a regular slot to highlight B10 alumni (or escapees?) who’ve done something especially competent. #BottomTenLobbying pic.twitter.com/z16PPjtCEw

— Innocent🕷Abroad (@JJGass) September 18, 2023

So, that “U-S-A!” chant you hear? That’s not some jingoistic dude waving Old Glory in a hurricane. That’s us. For old times’ sake.

With apologies to Lee Greenwood, Mike Gundy and Steve Harvey, here’s the Post-Week 3 Bottom 10.

1. Arkansaw State Fightin’ Butches (1-2)

The Red Wolves earned their first win of the season, and they did it against Stony Brook. According to the magically and mysteriously accurate ESPN FPI formula, it was the last time they will be favored to win a game this season, averaging a 25.3% chance per game from here on out. Also, according to the magically and mysteriously accurate ESPN FPI formula, there is a 100% chance that Butch Jones will giggle when he sees who is in this week’s Coveted Fifth Spot.

2. Buffalo Bulls Not Bills (0-3)

The Bulls opened the season with a 21-point loss to Power 5 stalwart Wisconsin, followed by a 3-point loss to FCS non-stalwart Fordham, followed by a 28-point loss to non-Power 5/former FCS non-stalwart Liberty. In the words of the couple screaming at Steve Martin and John Candy on the interstate, “You’re going the wrong way!”

3. No-vada (0-3)

The Wolf Pack had a tough weekend. First, they lost to Kansas to fall to 0-3, then they went back to the dorms to watch their former coach Jay Norvell take on the entire Sanders family and end up looking like Eminem the first time he tried to rap battle in “8 Mile.”

4. EC-Yew (0-3)

The Pirates have officially run aground. There’s no shame in losing to Michigan in the Big House. There’s not a lot of shame in losing to Marshall at home. But there is SO MUCH SHAME in losing for the second straight time at Appalachian State, the across-the-state school you’ve been clowning on for a couple of decades for not playing with the big boys.

5. Good Ol’ Rocky Slop (2-1)

The last time Tennessee won in The Swamp was Sept. 20, 2003. The No. 1 film at the box office that week was “Underworld.” Fittingly, a horror action movie.

6. The MCU (1-2)

No, not the one with the superheroes, though this one does include Zips, Golden Flashes and Falcons. This is the #MACtion Cinematic Universe, where seven of the league’s dozen teams stand at 1-2, which, like Thanos and his big gold glove, makes them nearly impossible to separate.

7. UTEPid (1-2)

The Minors are still reeling from their season-opening losses to Jacksonville State (which is not in the Jacksonville you’re thinking of nor is it a state) in the Bottom 10 Waiting Listers’ inaugural FBS contest, then to the defending Bottom 10 champs North by Northworstern. I suppose you can forgive their latest loss at Arizona because they were likely looking ahead to October, when they have the potential to make a failed SpaceX rocket landing Bottom 10 maneuver, as they face FI(not A)U, another FBS newbie in Sam Houston State, We Have Problem, and in between a visit from the team that just beat …

8. Whew Mexico (1-2)

The Lobos fell to Whew Mexico State in the Battle of I-25 as the Other Aggies exacted some revenge for their season-opening loss to …

9. UMess (1-2)

Yes, Massachusetts did knock off Whew Mexico State in Week 1 and this week will host Whew Mexico. If they end up with wins in both of those games, then according to the Bottom 10 Pillow Fight of Year bylaws, the Albuquerque Convention Center must for the next calendar year display the Minuteman statue alongside its statues of Walter White and Jesse Pinkman, with the soldier from Lexington Green buying a bag of Blue Sky. Speaking of New England …

10. U-Can’t (0-3)

Hey, Huskies! There y’all … er, yous guys, are! Dropping games the first two weeks to NC State and Georgia State weren’t really Bottom 10-worthy. But losing at home to FI(not A)U in a game where you favored by a touchdown? That’s more like it! In this topsy-turvy college football world where quarterbacks star in national hamburger chain ads and UCLA-Rutgers is going to be a conference game, looking at Thanksgiving weekend and knowing that U-Can’t vs. UMess has the potential to once again be a Pillow Fight of the Century is like a warm blanket. Sure, it has moth holes in it and it’s warm because a husky just peed all over it, but still, it’s a blanket.

Waiting List: Stanfird, State of Troy, Sam Houston State, We Have A Problem, “I’m a man, we just gave up 33 to South Alabama!”, the bottom two-thirds of the AAC, the bottom one-third of the Big 12, No-braska, San No-sé State, internet cowards sending death threats to college football players.