Bottom 10: Roll over, Tide, roll over
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Ryan McGee, ESPN Senior Writer
Inspirational thought of the week:
I’ve got plenty to be thankful for
I haven’t got a great big yacht
To sail from shore to shore
Still, I’ve got plenty to be thankful for
I’ve got plenty to be thankful for
No private car, no caviar
No carpet on my floor
Still, I’ve got plenty to be thankful for
I’ve got eyes to see with
Ears to hear with
Arms to hug with
Lips to kiss with
Someone to adore
How could anybody ask for more?
— “I’ve Got Plenty to Be Thankful For,” Bing Crosby
Here at Bottom 10 Headquarters, located behind the massive tank where Jen Lada stores our collective tears that run down our faces while watching her “College GameDay” features, with only one weekend remaining in the regular season, thus in our Bottom 10 season, we are feeling reflective.
Reflective on a season that has brought us so much to be thankful for ahead of this week’s Thanksgiving festivities.
Reflective on a calendar that, like Tuesday night, has brought us so much midweek #MACtion action that it has not only interrupted family dinners (“Dad, stop watching the Holy Toledo-Akronmonious game, I’m trying to tell you I’m failing math!”) but has also totally screwed up our own Bottom 10 math because we are lazy and want to file our rankings early and go to bed.
Reflective on a #Bottom10Nation of Eyewitness Reporters who check in from games every Saturday, even when they seem to be the only people there.
Doing some #Bottom10 committee work for @ESPNMcGee as the Minute Rice Owls take on You A Bee. pic.twitter.com/6tU91FUSYL
— Scott Shinbaum (@Scoots71) November 23, 2024
Reflective on a year that while the rest of the College Football Playoff-obsessed nation has argued over who is in, who is out and who is getting screwed worse than an Ikea prefab bookcase, we have instead focused our dilated eyeballs on our Bottom 10 graduates who have tried to horn in on that conversation like my Cousin Jenny will Thursday. “Did you try my butternut raisin potato broccoli bars?” “Who did you vote for?!”
Reflective about the days when UNLV was unLv, Tulane was Too Lame and Colorado was Colo-rah-duh. Now they are no longer in the Bottom 10, but the Top 25.
And that causes us to reflect upon ourselves. To reflect on the person that we see when we look into the perfectly polished glass of Jen Lada’s aquarium of tears. To realize that, wait … is that a chunk of broccoli from Cousin Jenny’s bars stuck in our teeth?
With apologies to the Virginia Tech Fighting Gobblers (their OG nickname), Concordia College’s Kernel the Cob and Steve Harvey, here are the post-Week 13 Bottom 10 rankings.
Back in 2015, one of my best friends had just taken his son to see “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” on opening night and as they left the theater, the kid blurted out, “Oh my god, Dad, I can’t believe Han Solo died!” … as they walked past a line of people waiting to see the next showing. In related news, the Golden(plated) Flashes went ahead and put an early end to any Bottom 10 title fight suspense Tuesday night by traveling to see the Buffalo Bulls Not Bills and losing. That makes them the first FBS team to go winless in a non-COVID season since 2019, aka the 2019 Bottom 10 champions, their archnemesis, Akronmonious. No matter how much we’d like to see this last a little longer, there’s nothing we can do about it now. Like Han Solo dying.
The Molden Eagles had lost their previous two games by a combined score of 95-6, so losing to the South Alabama Redundancies by only 35-14 didn’t feel as bad as expected. It also helped knowing that Brett Favre had promised the team a postgame meal flown in from Paris, as long as no one asked how he paid for it.
The good news is that the Minuetmen only lost to Georgia by a score of 59-21, which means they covered the spread. The bad news is it was only because in the second half, most of the Georgia players were already covered in street clothes, spread on the bench taking naps.
The Buttermakers are one of only three one-win teams remaining in all of FBS football. They will close the season playing for the Old Oaken Bucket against Indiana, or as Hoosiers coach Curt Cignetti calls it, the New Golden Cask And If You Don’t See That You Are A Moron Because It Is So Obvious You Dummy.
Roll Tide Roll. I am so confident in this Coveted Fifth Spot selection that I am willing to do this even though I am traveling to Tuscaloosa this weekend for “Marty & McGee.” Under normal circumstances I would fear for my Iron Bowl safety. But this time around, at the very least, I know that Legend from Alabama will have my houndstooth-covered back.
1:13
Alabama superfan is at it again with impassioned call
The “Get Up” crew can only sit back in amusement in reaction to Alabama superfan “Legend” going off on Kalen DeBoer on “The Paul Finebaum Show.”
The Semi-No’s, who entered September screaming they were too good for the ACC, earned their second win of the season by defeating then-fellow-one-game-winner Charleston Southern 41-7, then immediately applied for membership into the Big South-OVC. In related news, this weekend FSU faces Florida, who entered September screaming they were too good for head coach Billy Napier and were supposedly going to hire a more worthy leader in Lane Kiffin of Ole Miss. The Gators just won their second straight game against a ranked opponent and reached bowl eligibility … by upsetting Lane Kiffin and Ole Miss.
The coach-less Owls — which is a term that can be applied to all FCS teams known as Owls — have spent their past three games losing to an East Carolina team that had just fired its head coach, a Temple team that fired its head coach after beating FAU and a Charlotte team that had fired its head coach just that week. Now the Owls end the season at Tulsa, which fired its head coach Sunday, all while they fired their own head coach. Helpful hint to anyone who wants to coach for a living: DO NOT VISIT BOCA RATON FOR THANKSGIVING.
Speaking of coach-less parliaments of Owls, the ones down in Georgia beat not FA(not I)U, but rather FI(not A)U to earn their second win of the season. This happened right after they lost to a team that had earned its second win of the season …
The Minors followed up that second win with a squeaker of a loss at Tennessee, 56-0. So, against whom did they earn their first win?
That would be the world’s second-worst football Panthers (we see you, Carolina), who lost to Kennesaw, UTEP and FA(not I)U, but somehow are still ranked behind all three of them in this poll. How? I don’t know. Perhaps because they have good/bad losses and bad/good wins? Because strength of schedule doesn’t really matter? Because of the all-knowing eye test? Tennessee fans, am I writing all of this way too soon and way too adjacent to my mention of the Vols in the previous paragraph? And is that vicious banging on my office door right now my Knoxville-raised Big Orange-wearing wife angrily confirming what I just asked?
Waiting list: Whew Mexico State, Miss Sus Hippie State, Temple of Doom, Living on Tulsa Time, WhyOMGing?, Muddled Tennessee State, not knowing when to storm a field.
