3 Florida Man headlines that are weird AF | Evie M. – NewsBreak Original
"Reader beware, you're in for a scare!–R.L. Stine"
God bless Florida. Since moving to Orlando a little over a year ago, I have been so entertained by how different and straight up weird this state is. And that's not meant as insult. In this day and age where everything becomes grayer and grayer with time, living in a weird place keeps you feeling young, even when your knees sound like firecrackers each time you stand up.
And, of course, Florida would be nothing without Florida Man, the weirdest super hero you'll ever meet. Before I moved here, I really had no idea the depths of weird Florida Man would go, but the daily news trickling.
When I tell you my mouth dropped reading this headline, and continued to just fall to the floor with each word I read of this insane Florida Man news story. Apopka resident Michale Anthony Johnson was arrested in 2015 and accused of breaking into the home of an ex and "def****ing on the victim's bed sheets, a glass kitchen plate, a wallet and a dresser."
I am going to puke, and it gets wilder. Johnson was only out from jail for two days before he violated a no contact order between him and his ex.
There's something different about the vengeful people of Florida. I think I'll stay single forever, thanks.
Okay, as scary as this must have been for the poor homeowners who had to discover this random man in their home and watch the security footage of him acting a fool, I have to say I laughed at this headline. It' just so impossibly weird.
Last year 21-year-old Adrian Lee Gonzalez-Bradway was taken in and charged with "burglary and criminal mischief with property damage of more than $200" by the Lee County Sheriff's office after he was caught breaking into a home sans clothes. I have to say I might've been laughing at the headline before but the actual story has wiped the simple clean off my face, because wow.
A man was seen lurking around a home and when asked if he needed help didn't respond. Later, the concerned resident who saw him before noticed him "jumping on her family’s trampoline while still naked."
She called 911 when the public indecency started. When she denied entry to Gonzalez who demanded access to her home, and he then apparently smashed her window before she barricaded herself and children in her car.
Wow. That went from weird to wild really fast.
When I tell you I cackled at this headline, even though it's quite sad. There were many contenders, so many that I'll have to do a part two to this series, but the winner of the third spot on this little list is this beauty of a Florida Man story.
An unnamed Florida Man was taken into custody and taken in for "evaluation" after thinking he could time travel in his Dodge Charger, crashing it into Advanced Tax Services and Pensacola Caskets at a local mall. According to the driver, he thought he was "going to disappear".
I feel bad for laughing and hope he got the help he needed, but I think we can all agree this headline is absolutely weird.
What was your favorite story? Let me know in the comments!
"Reader beware, you're in for a scare!–R.L. Stine"
More from Evie M.
I can just say one thing about what you're about to read, it's that if I didn't scan the page with my own eyes and see the news articles for myself, there's a high probability I'd think you were bluffing if you told me about them. But no. And that's saying something, because there are some pretty shocking news headlines coming out of Florida. And honestly, I thought I'd seen all the most shocking ones, but here's a few you might not have heard of that might just have you questioning if it's all being made up in some weird, elaborate, national news scheme.
The Florida EvergladesPhoto byReinhard Link on Flickr. Let's face it: When it comes to the stories that come out of the states, few are weirder than Florida stories. It's not a bad thing. Personally, I think Florida is the most interesting state I've lived in next to my home state of California. And that truly is saying something because California is notoriously buck wild.
A lovely home in Lake Nona (Orlando, Florida)Photo byPhoto by Eric Ardito on UnsplashonUnsplash. I absolutely love my apartment. I do not know how I got so lucky to live in a place everyone thinks is a bougie hotel for the past year. But honestly, as a 34-year-old woman, I can't help but dream of a ballin' house sometimes. And while it's going to be a long-term goal for me to reach a status where I can afford to live in one of the nicest (aka richest) neighborhoods in Orlando. But in the meantime, it doesn't hurt to gather a little information. So without further ado, here are the top three richest Orlando neighborhoods so we can daydream together.
The Florida "Butt Spider" or the two-striped telamonia, also known as Telamonia dimidiata. Local to certain Asian rain forests.Photo byarian.suresh from Chennai, India. I don't know about you, but I have a real pension for stories that make you say: "WTF did I just read?" And urban legends have a way of giving that exact vibe when you're hankering for some weird. And honestly, nothing is weirder than stories that come out of Florida. I assure you, this is a compliment. I've lived in several states and the stories are completely yawn worthy, save for California, and Florida gives my home state a run for their money, that's for sure. Especially with this urban legend. I've been on a hunt for non-spooky urban legends around Florida, and I had to do a double take when I read through this one because WOW. This is one scary and weird urban legend. I love it. Let's break it down.
Rudy Eugene's mugshotPhoto byPublic Domain File: Rudy Eugene mugshot Miami-Dade County. Yeah, I get it. Halloween is over. Thanksgiving is only days away and then Christmas right around the corner. There's no more room for spooky stories and mysteries that'll make you keep the lights on, right? Wrong. There are such a thing as people who love all things spooky year-round, and if you're one of them, boy do I have a story that'll keep you awake better than twenty Red Bulls.
Florida wildlife stock photoPhoto by Dan Russo on Unsplash. Since moving to Orlando a year ago, two things have become very clear to me: Florida wouldn't be Florida without two things: the wildlife and Florida Man stories. And it seems a good chunk of you agree, because the comments of my other animal-related Florida Man news story list popped off. I was going to share more of my favorite animal-related news stories regardless, honestly, because there are too many to list, but at least now I have a valid excuse.
Stock photo of a Thanksgiving dinnerPhoto by Jed Owen on Unsplash. Honestly, I can't believe it's already November 21. In just a few days, People will be gathered around tables, stuffing their faces and falling into food comas while watching "Home Alone 2". But Florida Man will still not be resting. I truthfully didn't think Florida Man Thanksgiving-related stories were a thing. I'm not even sure what possessed me to Google "Florida Man Thanksgiving", but I am glad I did because boy did so many amazing stories come up that I had no idea existed. Living in Orlando has opened my eyes, let's just say that. And after hours of reading, I've collected my top three of the craziest Thanksgiving-related Florida Man stories because I'm in the giving spirit. Let's get to it.
A gator in Naples, FloridaPhoto by Brian Yurasits on Unsplash. When I moved to Orlando a year ago, one thing I realized very quickly is that when it comes to animals, Florida is buck wild. If you're a transplant from out of state, that is one thing I don't think you can prepare for: the animals in Florida. The first day I arrived at my apartment complex there was a massive crane toolin' down the sidewalk, and later on I saw gators behind a gate on my way to work. No one even flinched. I haven't gotten too close to any crazy animal situations since, but there has been a flood of incredible Florida animal related news stories trickling in and plenty in the pool to research. And I'd love to share a few of my favorites with you, because they are definitely discussion worthy and I'd love to hear your thoughts.
Gibsonton, FloridaBoston Public Library on Openverse.com. I still remember when American Horror Story: Freak Show aired. I was in the thick of my obsession with American Horror Story, and had been waiting very impatiently for the new season that would feature a "carney" theme, which we'd all soon discover would develop to cover the troubles lives of freak show performers in Jupiter, Florida, trying to simply live in a world that despises them.
The famous Santa Statue in Christmas, FloridaRusty Clark on Openverse.org. I'm not sure about you, but when the Christmas spirit is in the air, it drums up the need for me to get cozy and watch or learn about some mysteries. I'm not entirely sure. Maybe it's because my family's go-to holiday movie was Home Alone 2 and I've spent thirty years watching ten-year-old Macaulay Culkin figure out how to take down two hair-brained robbers or not, but December is the time to be mystified.
Stock photo of a woman on the beachPhoto byPhilippe Murray-Pietsch on Unsplash.comonUnsplash. There’s always a lot of talk about Florida Man. And rightfully so. He is the absolute image of what every male in Florida should be. With his mullet whipping in the wind and gas-station sunglasses glinting in the sun, he is the absolute model of the American dream.
Stock photo of shocked childBen White on Unsplash.com. I don't know about you, but I love a good news story. Particularly of the "awwww" or "wowww" variety. And honestly, I've lived a lot of places and few stories are more "wow" worthy than Florida Man news stories.
A map of "The Interior World", from The Goddess of Atvatabar by William Bradshaw (1892).Public domain on Wikipedia. I don’t know about you, but I love a good theory. Learning about the different thoughts and beliefs of people is a truly fascinating experience, especially when they get so far, we’ll say, “out of hand” that they start developing entire cults dedicated to them.
Sometimes I really wish I wasn't trying to be more current and up to date on news. Sometimes I still wish I was thirty-four and ignorant to the world around us. But, this can be a costly mistake as the world becomes increasingly more hostile (in my opinion) around us. Especially for women.
The Winter Park sinkholeAnthony S. Navoy, USGS, anavoy@usgs.gov Public doman on Wikimediacommons. For those of you who've been with me a while, you know that I have a variety of interests and I get bored easily. You can thank my ADD for that, or possibly the fact the world is too amazing to have one secular interest. As much as I love spooky things, the things I love to learn about branch out into all areas of weird. And I have to say I am extremely happy to have stumbled across this urban legend about Winter Park that absolutely blew my mind.
LGBTQ protest. Stock photoDennis Lawley on Unsplash.com. So this is a very, very interesting topic. Heated, controversial, all of the above. But it's wildly important, so we're going to talk about it. It's also an issue I didn't know existed until my mom brought up the recent news story, featured here by The New York Times in an article published on November 4.
The Palace Saloon-the Oldest and (maybe) most haunted bar in FloridaJosh Hallett on Flickr.com. I’m not a big drinker. I never have been, even when I dealt blackjack in multiple backwoods bar/casinos and I was surrounded by it. I like a Pina Colada or to shoot back a shot. No in between. I prefer a more leafy green medicine, but that’s beside the point. My point is, I’m not sure why I’m thinking about bars today, namely haunted bars (and one in particular), but we’re gonna roll with it and learn something together because I’ve never heard of this incredible bar and I have to talk about it.
Florida Man laughing. Stock photoBrian Lundquist on Unsplash.com. I don’t care who you are or how little of a heart you have, everyone loves a good chuckle. It’s just a fact. And honestly, nothing has made me chuckle more lately since I moved to Orlando than Florida Man headlines. Sure, much like the rest of the world I was aware of Florida Man, but not until I moved here did I really start to appreciate the beauty of Florida Man headlines.
I’m not sure why I’m on a Florida kick lately, but I’m here for it. Honestly, living in Florida, it’s kind of a given. If there isn’t a new “ Florida Man” story in the news at least 4-5 times a week, I feel like we’d all think the apocalypse is coming. Now that I’ve lived in Orlando for a year, I’m realizing that Florida Man discussions and news are as much a part of Florida life as the massive storm outside right now that popped up out of nowhere even though we had one like, a week ago.
